Monday, April 11, 2011

Desde aquí

From here, where will God take me next?
Unfortunately, I really have no theme for this entry like I prefer to have for each one. This is going to be a jumble of everything.
Settling into a new city, with a new group of students, a new school, a new program, a new routine has not been easy. Hell, I am still not settled. Its weird, its like a whole new culture shock has set in. I am out of my element and I am only an hour and a half away from a place I now consider my second home. I have moved into a beautiful apartment, with a lovely host and a great chilean "sister." I have this new group of gringos to spend time with, all full of life and excitement, yet I am somehow a little off.
I am extremely excited to return to the U.S; start living real life again, start working, start doing homework in English, find out where the next path will lead to. But at the same time I am so frightened to leave Chile. Will I lose my spanish? Will people really understand what this experience has done for me? Will they actually care? Will I talk about it too much? Will I hold the US and americans to the standards that I have become so accustomed to here in Chile? All of these are things I am preparing for...maybe a little too early. I need to let it go for a couple more months and worry about it maybe in late June, or July. For now, its time to take advantage of the last three months I have in this wonderful country. Alright, I'm doing it.
The last few weeks have been both ups and downs.
About a week or two ago, before class, I'm doing my morning facebook check and I get a message from Tana, one of my closest high school friends who like me, is spending a year abroad, except in Italy. It read,
"Have you talked to anyone today?"
I have heard or read that message before. A repeat of approximately a year ago when Eric Ward was killed in Afghanistan. My heart sank.
"No?" I said.
Tana: "Jacob Lund committed suicide."
..............
And there it was, another heartbreak in less than a year. There seems to be some plague that hangs over the Valley I grew up in. The Valley we all grew up in. There have been so many tragedies, but none of them is just another one. Each one is its own, tearing away at the people who try so hard to love our beautiful landscape without hating the misfortune it seems to breed. Like Tana's status said that day,
"I hope your pain is finally gone, but I wish you had let us love you."
Where was I? Where were we when he was suffering, and why didn't we know this was a possibility? We have no idea why these things happen, but we wish we did. This is something I don't know how to give up to God. Something I have no idea how to accept. Death, thats something that happens, I can say, yes, God wanted them on his side of the hill. But I don't know where to go with suicide. I don't want to know.
I have been feeling so useless from so far away. I wish I were there to hold my friends from high school. To pray with them, cry with them...whatever they need. Its hard to be so far away in a time of distress. But for the Valley, know that you are on my mind and in my prayers forever.

This happened a few days before the first International Lollapalooza here in Santiago, Chile. A distraction. And a glorious one, thats for sure. Lolla definitely marked the best weekend I have had in Chile. There were over 60 bands, almost all I had never seen before. Among my favorites were: The National, Ben Harper, Francisca Valenzuela, Devendra Banhart, 311, Kanye West etc... Unfortunately I missed 2 that I had expected to see because of tiempo chileno and unfortunate planning. The one I regret the most was Cold War Kids, then Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros. I spent most of the days with my friend Liza and some girls from her study abroad group in Valparaíso. Also, my good amigo chileno Tom Parker.
I even made a new friend. There was this guy I saw about 4 times around my neighborhood and at some concerts before Lolla. We clearly acknowledged each other but never said anything. So I see him at Lollapalooza and he just is like "Okay, whats your name? I see you everywhere." And thats how Luke and I became friends. Kinda crazy we ran into each other so much because Santiago has about 6 million people in it. It was a two day event that left me surprisingly not as tired as I should of been. I am proud to have gone to the first international Lollapalooza ever...now if I can make it to a national one...lol.


So classes have been my frustration lately. In one of my classes I am the ONLY exchange student. So its me, and 30 or so chileans. You can understand maybe that I don't say a word in class. How embarrassing, first day of class, picture this: I walk in 10 minutes late because I thought the class was somewhere else. Its already like 80 degrees at 11am so my face is bright red and my back is sweating through my tank top. I walk up to the professor to get the packet the rest of the class is already filling out, and he asks me, "What class are you looking for?" Me, not completely collected and clearly not as good as spanish as I thought, thinks he asks "Where are you from?" So I say, "Los Estados Unidos." He then says to the entire class, "She came with Obama and decided to stay" (only days after Obama's visit to Chile). "The boys in the class will be happy about that." Thankfully my face was already so red from heat that they didn't see how embarrassed I was. But since that first day of class its been hard to make eye contact with anyone in the class. A nice kid took me under his wing when he realized I couldn't figure out how to find the readings online. He's the only one in the class that knows I speak spanish. Lol. The rest probably assume I have no idea whats going. I kind of don't....mostly because I can't figure out why the readings are in 12 different places.

Whats to come? Well, I am looking to work in a hostel. Should be awesome if it works out. I spent a lot of time in hostels in January and February and it seems like ideal work. Also, running low on dollas so I its a good way to occupy my free time and make some extra money. Also, in about I month I'm headed to Buenos Aires for a few days. Very excited. This may be my last trip while abroad because I am doing my best to save up money for this coming summer. And then...like my title Desde Aquí (From here)...who knows where I am headed. With this blog I have decided not to let it pick at me like it has been for the past few weeks. Wherever it is, will be great.