Los Momentos

I recently spent 5 days in the place called Quinched, Chiloé. I was lucky enough to have been invited by my friend and fellow coffee maker Tatiana, to spend time at this beautiful cabin owned by her father's fiancee. All of us included were her, her dad, her dad's fiancee Cami, Cami's son, and me. These days consisted of starting and finishing 100 Years of Solitude, kayaking, sunbathing, bbqing, eating, going to a national park, collecting rocks, and learning new chilenismos. No estoy ni ahí. Irse lona. I was told 100 Years of Solitude was super difficult to understand. Being that it was the first book I've read in english in about 5 months, I really think I got it all, compelling me to read it in Spanish, something I had tried and failed at before. Marquéz writes with what Tatiana told me was Magic Realism. He's brilliant.
Entonces, the wind blew so hard at night there that I became accustomed to listening to it like I listen to the rain in Seattle. It accompanied my insomnia like a twin. What I didn't realize was happening was that the wind blew so hard that by the morning it had pushed the tiny cerro the cabin rested on farther into the Gulf of Corcovado leaving us stranded, or more like blessed to be separated from society. If we had any reason to leave, we hopped in a row boat with the Nana, Claudita, and her 3 perros for a short ride back to the mainland. Usually we were in no hurry to leave our little isletta because we knew by noon, if we were patient, the worn out internal magnets within the isletta and the mainland would struggle to reunite alas. And this is how it went. Reading, thinking, reading, not sleeping except for afternoon naps, hot tubbing, planning the rest of my life in my head...there are so many paths it could take.
I wrote an email to one of my best friends and I am going to past it to this entry because it has a lot of significance for my life right now:
"Querida Amor-
I miss you so much. I think about you all the time and I hope life is being kind to you in this moment and the moments to come. Moments- what a concept, huh? In reality its all about moments. I guess I love the concept of a moment because it isn't defined like a second or a few minutes but instead a sequence of events that leads to one specific space in time. Whether that space in time lingers or just flashes its face, it is a moment. Sometimes these moments slip our mind like they were just another part of our daily routine, but others may last us until we are old and decaying side by side in our adjustable beds eating popcorn with yeast flakes, strawberry licorice, and white cheddar popcorn. (our comfort foods) Lately for me its been hard to live in the moment. Actually, as you know, its always been pretty hard for me. Always planning my life 1....or more like 10 steps ahead. I think I have this idea that I can plan moments, which is absurd, but it really prevents me from living in the now. So don't try and plan moments, just do your best to realize they are around ever corner, or maybe they are right in front of you. I have been thinking a lot about my life after Chile, and it scares the living shit out of me. This is why I bring up moments. I feel for the past five years I've had this whole life thing planned out and all of a sudden, I am lost. Sure, applying to college, deciding to study abroad, that was all easy, because that is what society had been telling me to do. But what next? There are too many things I want to do with my life. From the biggest things like applying to the Peacecorps and coming back to live in South America for two years. Or going to graduate school in the mid west, east coast, or even Switzerland. Or falling in love again. Or learning to trust God again and building my life around that. To small things that seem so big at the time, but really or very small in the scheme of things.. Like buying a car as soon as I get home and going into more debt than I already have. Or road tripping on I-90 to look at grad schools and visit friends when I get home. To buying a dog. To deciding whether I will take my Senior Thesis class in the Fall or Spring...etc. etc. etc. I stayed awake until 4:45am thinking about these things last night. Its actually been happening more often than not. How can this keep me awake when I am always multiple steps ahead and sure of my wants? I have been down here for over 4 months now living my dream, loving every moment. Why am I caught up in real life? Because I know I will have to return to it someday, and as much as I want to put in on hold for the next 6 months until I get back, I just can't. My brain doesn't function that way. So this is why I'm lecturing you on moments, because I, myself, need a lecture."
Then I went on to tell her about the great things going on in my life, like traveling around Southern Chile and later to Uruguay and Argentina. Its quite strange how traveling can wear on you. Maybe its because I am not accustomed to it, I didn't do much traveling when I was young. I can be away from a place of comfort for such a short amount of time, yet be sick of the unfamiliarity, the artificial friendship making, the insomnia, the irregularity...am I really complaining about being in Latin America? Traveling around the Southern Hemisphere? Pathetic, right?
So here's where I am. Taking baby steps to trust that it will all work out how it is supposed to, how God has planned it. I'm trying my best not to worry about tomorrow and instead live in the moments of today. I have finally been able to put heartbreak behind me, my wrong decisions in the dust, my personal regret underground, but forgiving myself for hurting people I love is something I still have to work on.
When I told a new friend of mine about this lack of self-forgiveness, he told me I should build a new boat and sink it better than the last one I had sunk. At first I thought it would be stupid just to build a boat to sink it, but in perspective, how many boats do we build in our lives? How many have I had, and sank? So here I am, building this new boat to fill it with my self-judgment and lack of self-forgiveness so that I can sink it to the bottom of the Gulf of Corcovado and start building a ship to store trust, humility, hope and love.

On Christmas

Its a very weird feeling to be alone on Christmas. I could have easily spent time with many different families, but I was hoping to spend time with just one, my host family in Viña del Mar. The family that I have lived with for the past 4 months, mas o menos. Unfortunately for them, death struck their family the morning of Christmas Eve. My host mom's brother died of cancer after a long battle. My plans to spend Christmas Eve night with them were pushed back until Christmas afternoon, and after getting off the phone with my host mom just now, they've been pushed back until later tonight. Its funny how I was just patting myself on the back for being content alone. I actually am very excited to have all this time to myself. I have a lot of reflection to do, a lot of self-reflection to do. At least Christmas is only one day, because I'm not feeling to self-empowered to be alone today. However, I am not the only one feeling lonely today, or missing someone. Which is why I am glad I will later have to opportunity to spend time with people who are also missing someone today.

Tomorrow is a new day, the day after Christmas when everything leading up to it seems like a blur. But today feels sort of like that for me in the sense that my program with SIT seems sort of like a blur. I know this is a common feeling among people in my group. Where did the time go? I remember Orientation, the 28th of August when I didn't know who the 19 other students were or why they had chosen to come to Chile. Now, it doesn't matter why they chose to come, what matters is that they came, and they went... I was the first to get to Chile, and I will be the last to leave. I will see you in 6 and a half months northern Hemisphere.

Another thing popping up for this time of loneliness, God. Shouldn't really be a surprise, but for some reason it is. Its not as if He has been absent, its me who has been absent from Him. Me, who's been living life for me. I'm hoping He will remind me, in my experiences to come, there are more people to live for than myself. Maybe I can focus on them instead of me. There are a few certain things in life that come my way that I am 100% sure about, and there is God looking back at me to remind me that He is in those good things. That those things are not going to be easy because I am so damn stubborn, but that they will be worth it if I do it right. Or at least if I give it a good honest effort. Someday maybe I will figure all this out. Be sure that I want to work for what is good and unselfish. I pray that day comes sooner than later.

I miss a lot of people right now. People I never thought I would/could. I've got a lot of life to live, and I can't wait for it.

super bronzeada

So while you kids in the northwest are suffering from freezing temperatures and preparing for thanksgiving, I am squatting tan. Maybe the tannest I've ever been in my life, i'm excited. But also 10lbs fatter. I can't imagine a meal without bread anymore. How did I ever go a day without eating a baguette or a mini sandwich full of CHEESE and this weird meat paste that comes in tubes. (Turkey is my favorite flavor, not too salty like ham.) I don't even remember life without bread, or pisco. Mostly pisco.

The weather is starting to be perfect every single day down here. Can't wait to be out of school and on the beach. The beach is full by 5pm with families, lovers, stoners, students, even pokemon sometimes (term for gothic(ish) here in Chile)- some have these crazy contacts that even make their eyes like crystal blue or red, or both. The centro is popping with people getting their daily fill of shoes and whatnot. I'm always buying postcards. Or gifts... :) Very excited to travel. Wish I had a few more partners to commit to traveling, but I'm not worried. They will probably pop up last minute and I will spend two months bussing around the southern cone. YAY. Don't start school until March! another yayy. Maybe I am just screwing off down here. But so far its been the best 3 months of my life. And when will I get this opportunity again? Hopefully when I marry a latin man and have beautiful brown babies. lol. Jk.

I have changed my independent study project to access to higher education for poor sectors of society here in Chile. I always dog on the states for being imperialistic and unjust to the poor, but its truly worse other places. For example, in Chile 13.something% of students in college are covered under state financial aid. Compared to the US, over 50% are covered. If I had been born in Chile, I couldn't go to college. I doubt if I had children in Chile if they could even go to college. Maybe in 10 or 20 years Chile will be there though. By 2018, its going to be considered a developed country. So chupalo everyone that thought I was going to some barbaric 3rd world country without power or clean water. JAja. Sorry, that was harsh. But don't worry, I know to be safe, you don't gotta tell me EVERY time I talk to you. I usually make some pretty good decisions. I'm here, right?

I'm jealous that my friends are making other friends, and when I get back to the states, I'm going to wonder who all these people are who are replacing me and commandeering my friends. ¿cachai? But i suppose we all feel that way. When I get back to ups, people are either going to think i'm a freshman (very likely) or I am a transfer. A year is a long time. Half of the school will be new. I'm very glad about that actually. UPS was quickly getting too small for me, never saw new faces or made new friends because everyone was pretty set with their group. I was/am too, but i love meeting new people.

Best thing about this place to be honest. People. I have learned so much from conversations. It really isn't anything you can read in books. I don't think I have every laughed with anyone as much as I have with Mac and Abby. Never have I thought I could tell someone anything without judgement until miss Abby, either. I don't think I've ever opened up to someone so quickly like I did with Isabella. I never knew Brahm and I would become so close to where we talk about fascinating yet often inappropriate personal thoughts. Or that we could get to a point of comfort where we call each other after what seems like a landmark in our lives. Never expected to find an adventurer like Kirsty who does a great job ripping me out of my hard lazy shell. Never had I gained someone like Jeff who could be a best friend in my home state and have him transfer schools before we got that opportunity. Nor did I think I would have such a heartbreaking discussion about a chileno's love who he yearns to return to him. I sure don't expect to fall in love here and go through the heartache he has. If I haven't learned my own lesson, maybe he taught me something new. I didn't expect to find a third, maybe even fourth, place to call home. And I don't expect my next homestay to be a fourth, or fifth, home either. I'm not expecting to meet people like these on the road to argentina, patagonia, or uruguay either, but I bet I will. So maybe my good friends back home are meeting people that have really brightened their lives like I have, and when I put it in that perspective, I'm not jealous, I'm ecstatic. Just don't forget about me. ;)

Have you ever slept on your own shoulder because you feel like you don't have anyone else's to sleep on? I do that every bus ride. But it feels so metaphoric sometimes. After having such a comfortable shoulder for so long, its scary. Its like when you're dreaming about falling and jerk awake and then get mad at yourself for getting scared and waking up. Whenever I miss that old shoulder I get mad at myself for expecting, or even hoping, that it is there. On the way back from our stays in the indigenous villages, Bram asked us if we had ever apologized to someone we had wronged in the past. Like after a good amount of time of wronging them. I responded with, "Have you ever felt like your apology was worthless? Not because someone told you that, but because maybe you aren't really sure if you mean it anymore? Maybe you apologized so much that it felt practiced and uniformed at this point? And when the day comes to apologize again, let say 30 years down the road, will it even be accepted? Will you actually mean it?" I hope so.

Diana, Isabella, and I had an apology session in the first month of living here. We all went around the circle saying sorry for things we had felt in the past, and even maybe feel now. For Diana, it was apologizing for hating straight people and their ignorance to the fear and pain they inflict on homosexuals daily. For Isa, it was her hate for white people and their elite status everywhere. Their lack of persecution in their lives and their lack of repentance. And for me, I apologized for hating rich people. In particular educated rich kids. I apologized for putting myself on a higher branch than them because, "I have experience life" and they don't know the difference between a credit and debit card. They claim to be liberal, open minded and fighting for justice, but yet drive audis and go to big concerts on the weekends and stay in fancy hotels eating at 4 star restaurants. I realized the only way to change these things is to know people. Like actually know them. Have apology sessions, share your life problems with people that my need enlightenment, but above all, stop judging people and remember that we are all human. God doesn't separate us rich and poor, white, black, latino etc., gay or straight, right or wrong, He loves. We're not God, and we wont come close, but its worth a try if we're going to gain so much. We can all say what each other lacks and needs to fix about themselves, or we can focus on ourselves and our faults. And we can try to make things a little bit more tolerable on this decaying planet. Quite and enlightening day for me. Sorry if that was sort of grim. (the whole decaying planet thing).

Signing off,

Senorita Picky

The Great Belén Wall

Spending 4 days, just 4 days, with an indigenous family in the altiplano of the Andes Mountains, with Bolivia right next door, brought me to a lot of realizations. Waking up and going to sleep with the sun is really something. Living simple and dirty is what I crave. To live without a bunch of shit like the past or a huge bag of unnecessary clothes is so liberating. I'm living in the now. Please join me. However, it was also a slightly painful experience. It hurts to see how colonization, catholicism, and chilenization has destroyed an entire indigenous culture. Its shameful, unexceptable.

Realizations:

1. I actually do miss the States. I resisted the feeling until now. I mean, not the states, but people. My family, my friends from home, my friends from school, my dogs. They made us believe that culture shock would set in earlier and we would feel all lonely and stuff much earlier in the process, but just now has this sunk in for me. I don't know if it was buying gifts for people, talking about my family, or sharing personal stories with the girls (yes, girls, can you believe that, john?) in my group that I grew very close to. Probably all of the above.

Do you ever put yourself through torture on facebook just looking through people's photo albums who you unbearably want to say something important to? I don't know why I do this. Its usually with people who have hurt me in some way but I am just too much of a wimp to say anything or i think I'm out of line. Which I probably am, I usually am. This is bad for me. I've even gone the distance of deleting people as my friends because I don't want to put myself through the agony. Damn them when their profile isn't private... lol.

At times, I desperately wish I wasn't missing out on whats going on up there where you all are. I wish I could go to garden level (men's acapella group) shows at ups. I wish I could be in my house to get to know my family's new kitten, Tucker. I wish I could be in Tacoma to trash talk Dellano's coffee and teach people about real coffee and how they should go to cafe Dei instead of Metronome. I wish I was there to make coffee and drink good coffee. I wish I was there to support Jessie during a difficult time, one that I have had a taste of. I wish I was there to laugh with John and make completely politcally incorrect jokes about how gay gideon is for not eating meat, among other things. I wish I could argue with Joe Dylan and Alex about how purps was blue all along, never purple. Oh, and very badly, I wish I was around for no shave-november, I love beards so much.

I know there is a lot to be greatful for experiencing down here, but I am very glad I realize now that I truly do miss home. I miss you guys. :)

2. This program is really unorganized and not what I thought it was. Coming here I expected this to be my hard semester and the next to be my easy one. WRONGO. opposite. I thought this program was one to explore possibilities, opinions, rights and wrongs, but I feel like to be successful, I have to give them what they want to hear. Like high school. yay. not. I am disappointed. I love the program directors a lot, so I guess I just don't know what it is. Maybe inconsistency?

3. I am in love with Valparaíso and Viña. No way I could have done my Independent Study Project anywhere else.

ISP brings up the next stage of my program. One I am slightly nervous about, but also very excited. I am studying the access to resources for niños in this community outside of Viña called El Salto. Specifically, education. How many kids go to college? How does the state help pay? All those whistles and crannies. I start my research today. Yay.

Usually I feel like no one reads this, and for that reason, I never feel like its necessary to write it. Thats why my blogs are always too big and all over the place. But my good buddy Mac told me he reads my blog, and he's not even a follower. Makes me feel special. But then he told me he expected me to be a schizo chica and that he was right. lol. sad. Thanks Mac.

And I'm spent.

Contenta

I can honestly say I am so happy. I have continuously been thinking that since I got here. I feel like I am finally doing something right, important, relevant, and worthwhile.

It was really hard for me to feel this way at UPS. Especially after I took African Politics in the Fall of my sophomore year. It r

uined me. Destroyed me. I felt so helpless to the catastrophes and the injustices that take place on our planet. Especially things that could be prevented. But today, I feel relevant. I feel like I can play a small part in changing this disastrous world. Maybe not yet, but soon.

I really can't complain about much. Other than these unbearable shin splints. Gross, and the fact that some man tried to show me his genitals y

esterday. Still a little bit scarred from that. He just thought it would be a good idea to give me a show while he walked past me. EWWW.

I am slightly worried Christmas is going to be somewhat unbearable. My friend just had his 21st birthday here, and he had a really difficult time. I hope its not like that on Christmas for me, but I expect it to be.

Recently, tons has happened. I went to a festival called Mil Tambores which means a thousand drummers. It reminded me of the Fremont fair in Seattle where everyone paints their bodies and rides bikes in the nude. At Mil Tambores there were naked people painted everywhere. And tons of drummers and dancing and drinking in the streets in the middle of the

day into the night. CRAYZAY.

Also, last weekend I went to Santiago. I only stayed for a day bec

ause two of my friends birthdays the following day. I'm going to be honest, I hated Santiago. Its not Viña del Mar or Valp

araíso; I wasn't in Kansas anymore. There were 10X as many people, it smelt worse, and I was in a constant state of stress; worrying about my bag, my

blonde hair, by tiny build, getting lost, getting stolen. All of it. Tuve mucho estrés...I am sure once I settle in there, it wont feel so overwhelming, but it definitely doesn't have the relaxing safe feel of Viña. :(

¡Today I'm going to Pilates! Yayyyyy, exercise. Gotta work off all that bread and beer I've been taking in. Surprisingly, my pants still fit. Woohoo.

I ran today, first time in...more than six months. It was only like a half of a mile...maybe less. I wish i knew the metric system, maybe it would sound longer. haha. I also went to this Pilates class with Julia and had an amazing time. Probably because your first time is free...I hate paying for stuff. Such a cheap skate. I feel good though, full of energy. Still struggling to do my homework though.

So this is the plan: this is my last week of actual classes, already, right? Time flies. But that only means that its halfway through. Next thursday, our excursions start. I decided to go to the north to Iquique y Arica. Up there, it is the driest place on earth, and one of the best places for star gazing. In a way I wish I could look up at the stars and believe you all are looking at the same stars, but I know that there are different constellations down here than up there. I'll get to see the Valle de Luna and hopefully some flamingos. So we have two weeks of just cultural immersion, not homework, just journaling. Should be awesome. Whats even more awesome is that I wont be spending money, except on souvenirs and stuff. I wont be going out or anything..yay!!! two weeks of saving money. gotta love it. Ok. Enough for now. Chao lovas ;)

P.S. No idea why the first part is a link. haha

Go Big or Go Home

Maybe its not always the best motto, but it sure is mine. And I would say in most cases, its a good one. For example, I have decided to stay in South America through Christmas time. I think this is a good choice at least for the reason that I don't know when I will make it down here again. Maybe after college? Hopefully...Also, I will get the chance to be laying on the beach in 80 degree+ weather why yall are gunna be freezin your asses off. ;) There are many more reasons than these, such as the inconvenience of coming home for a total of 10 days, which I would most likely be sick for from the climate change.

Sometimes going big can be peligroso. For example, I drank way too much on wednesday night. I think enough that I had alcohol poisoning all day yesterday. This was my first major mistake here in Chile and my first experience with alcohol poisoning, and definitely my last. Wednesday night, every thing was hunky-dorey, I made it home safe, I didn't get sick, didn't black out...nothing. But when I woke up friday still a little drunk, I knew it was going to be a hard day. For some reason the 4 bottles of water I drank in my first spanish class didn't improve my hangover. Things just got worse. I threw up after class and had to go home where I failed to hold anything down including water. Why am I admitting this to you, and all the other people who have told me REPEATEDLY to be safe? I don't know. Probably because I've learned my lesson in that sense. You know how everyone says they are never drinking again after a rough night? I said that yesterday. Maybe my first time ever. Or maybe I am also sharing this because its a good story. I am not going to candy coat this experience, so reader, please don't expect me to.

Unrelated to my title, and even worse than alcohol poisoning, I have lost a lot of respect for myself for liking a Justin Beiber song, and if you have too, I COMPLETELY understand.

It rained here on Sunday night. The first rain since I got here. And it was fierce. It was appropriate for the night I had. It was also the first night I've cried since I've been here. Stage 2 of culture shock set in, at least for that night. But it would have been the same situation anywhere else in the world. Its always the same. Even though relationship suffered, maybe forever, I may be able to move on. I better. Immaturity and insecurity are things that don't effect my life anymore. I'm sorry if they rule yours.

Its also pretty incredible that if I need to talk to someone it really isn't difficult. I don't have to sit and suffer alone in a foreign room, I just use icall, or skypecall. Thanks Izz.

Anyway, I guess this should be more about Chile than I have made it. In a few weeks I get the opportunity to go to the northern most part of the country, a town called Arica. We'll fly into Iquique and check it out before Arica. I get the privilege of staying in the driest place on earth for 2 weeks. Not a drop of rain. Just me and the Atacama Desert. STOKED.

Anyone wanna come travel with me in January and February? You wouldn't regret it. Promise.

For summer, I am considering flying to Montevideo, Uruguay maybe camping on the beach for a week or so, and then heading into Argentina. You know, if you enter countries like Chile, Argentina, or Brazil by any other form of transportation than Airplane, you don't have to pay their $140 reciprocity fee. Well that explains Uruguay. ¡Thanks for the advice Maddie! It was great to meet a fellow UPSer that I had not know before getting here. Maddie is in the same program as my roommate, Marina, from freshman year. Her and I definitely work well together.

School blows, but I suppose it would suck in the U.S. as well. So really, oh well. Idk if its pass or fail or not. haha. Maybe I should figure these things out. All I know, is that I definitely am receiving my P&G credits this semester. Its going to be funny that when I come back, my spanish is going to be ridiculously Chilean. Chileans are so funny. They never use s's, they speak super sloppy and have and alternative chilenismo for every actual word...i mean, it seems like it. Why wasn't it advertised that Chilean men aren't as attractive as other Latinos? People keep asking me, are there tons of hotties down there? And I keep replying...."no, actually none." JAJAJAJA (hahahaha) Its quite a let down. They either have chocopandas (mullets) or are jotes, just creepy as shit. Wtf, mate? Oh vell.

Okay, thats enough to indulge in one entry. I will try to get better and updating this regularly. For now, ¡Caio!

Sicky Picky

The first time I met my host brother Panchi he asked me what types of food I liked. I told him I wasn't picky, however I hadn't the slightest clue how to say that in spanish. I told him I liked a lot of different foods and I would eat almost anything someone gave me. He got a the biggest kick out of the word picky. Since I moved in he's called me picky, just as a nickname. I came down with Tonsillitis on Sunday and have been in my house, mostly room, since. So now, he calls me sicky picky. At first he told me I just had a terrible "caña" which means hang over in chilenismo. Haha. Little did he know.... ("I've written books on 'little did he know'....I've taught classes on 'little did he know'...anybody know my movie reference?) Anyway, I'm on day 4 of doing NOTHING and sitting in my bedroom. Day 1 and 2 were fine in the sense that I slept because I was so sick. But yesterday and today I am better and am bored out of my mind. There literally is only so much spanish grammar I can do. I think I've been on facebook for at least 72 hours. My activity level is pathetically off the roof. Its in the clouds.

So here I am. Sick. And Picky. I want us to focus on picky. I have had so much time to think in the past couple days and have realized I am picky. I mean so are you. We all have our right to be picky. My problem is my pickiness wont allow me to make serious decisions. And when I do, my decisions involve me, and only me. For me it is a defense mechanism. I have been through years of dependency both unhealthy and healthy, and I find comfort in dependency on myself. I find it okay to let myself down, but I find it unacceptable for others to let me down. Good thing God is around when I realize I can't depend on myself, and He can't let me down. I have this same view about others as well. I have made some serious mistakes and don't want to let others down, but if they let themselves down, thats their fault, their mistake, their problem. I'm not going to be the one to let you down, but I'm also not going to be the one to let you in. You're not going to be the one I let in. The one I always let in, I always let down. And anyone else who wants to be let in, is either already let down, or I fear they'll let me down like I've let the one down. maybe a little convoluted with my thoughts but thats it. Sorry if I let you down by not letting you in. But know, I might throw you down if I let you in. And I know it doesn't feel good. I've seen the marks. I've had a lot of people ask me what the deal is, but when I'm put on the spot I have many other reasons. These are them. Eat it up. I'm sorry. Its reality. And maybe it doesn't come down to picky, maybe it comes down to something deeper.

Isa, an outstanding young woman in my group here in Chile, once said that it takes half as much time apart to get over someone you were in love with/together with. I had never heard that, but apparently its commonly used. I think it might be right. I pray that its right. Because I need to fix this whole picky/boarded up old lady I have become. I need to realize reality. Right now. Not what could have been, or what could be. I'm stuck in the in between of those two which isn't actually the right now. Its something else, something weird. I think a year here will do it for me. I don't need my mind made up, I just need it moved on.