Desde aquí

From here, where will God take me next?
Unfortunately, I really have no theme for this entry like I prefer to have for each one. This is going to be a jumble of everything.
Settling into a new city, with a new group of students, a new school, a new program, a new routine has not been easy. Hell, I am still not settled. Its weird, its like a whole new culture shock has set in. I am out of my element and I am only an hour and a half away from a place I now consider my second home. I have moved into a beautiful apartment, with a lovely host and a great chilean "sister." I have this new group of gringos to spend time with, all full of life and excitement, yet I am somehow a little off.
I am extremely excited to return to the U.S; start living real life again, start working, start doing homework in English, find out where the next path will lead to. But at the same time I am so frightened to leave Chile. Will I lose my spanish? Will people really understand what this experience has done for me? Will they actually care? Will I talk about it too much? Will I hold the US and americans to the standards that I have become so accustomed to here in Chile? All of these are things I am preparing for...maybe a little too early. I need to let it go for a couple more months and worry about it maybe in late June, or July. For now, its time to take advantage of the last three months I have in this wonderful country. Alright, I'm doing it.
The last few weeks have been both ups and downs.
About a week or two ago, before class, I'm doing my morning facebook check and I get a message from Tana, one of my closest high school friends who like me, is spending a year abroad, except in Italy. It read,
"Have you talked to anyone today?"
I have heard or read that message before. A repeat of approximately a year ago when Eric Ward was killed in Afghanistan. My heart sank.
"No?" I said.
Tana: "Jacob Lund committed suicide."
..............
And there it was, another heartbreak in less than a year. There seems to be some plague that hangs over the Valley I grew up in. The Valley we all grew up in. There have been so many tragedies, but none of them is just another one. Each one is its own, tearing away at the people who try so hard to love our beautiful landscape without hating the misfortune it seems to breed. Like Tana's status said that day,
"I hope your pain is finally gone, but I wish you had let us love you."
Where was I? Where were we when he was suffering, and why didn't we know this was a possibility? We have no idea why these things happen, but we wish we did. This is something I don't know how to give up to God. Something I have no idea how to accept. Death, thats something that happens, I can say, yes, God wanted them on his side of the hill. But I don't know where to go with suicide. I don't want to know.
I have been feeling so useless from so far away. I wish I were there to hold my friends from high school. To pray with them, cry with them...whatever they need. Its hard to be so far away in a time of distress. But for the Valley, know that you are on my mind and in my prayers forever.

This happened a few days before the first International Lollapalooza here in Santiago, Chile. A distraction. And a glorious one, thats for sure. Lolla definitely marked the best weekend I have had in Chile. There were over 60 bands, almost all I had never seen before. Among my favorites were: The National, Ben Harper, Francisca Valenzuela, Devendra Banhart, 311, Kanye West etc... Unfortunately I missed 2 that I had expected to see because of tiempo chileno and unfortunate planning. The one I regret the most was Cold War Kids, then Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros. I spent most of the days with my friend Liza and some girls from her study abroad group in Valparaíso. Also, my good amigo chileno Tom Parker.
I even made a new friend. There was this guy I saw about 4 times around my neighborhood and at some concerts before Lolla. We clearly acknowledged each other but never said anything. So I see him at Lollapalooza and he just is like "Okay, whats your name? I see you everywhere." And thats how Luke and I became friends. Kinda crazy we ran into each other so much because Santiago has about 6 million people in it. It was a two day event that left me surprisingly not as tired as I should of been. I am proud to have gone to the first international Lollapalooza ever...now if I can make it to a national one...lol.

So classes have been my frustration lately. In one of my classes I am the ONLY exchange student. So its me, and 30 or so chileans. You can understand maybe that I don't say a word in class. How embarrassing, first day of class, picture this: I walk in 10 minutes late because I thought the class was somewhere else. Its already like 80 degrees at 11am so my face is bright red and my back is sweating through my tank top. I walk up to the professor to get the packet the rest of the class is already filling out, and he asks me, "What class are you looking for?" Me, not completely collected and clearly not as good as spanish as I thought, thinks he asks "Where are you from?" So I say, "Los Estados Unidos." He then says to the entire class, "She came with Obama and decided to stay" (only days after Obama's visit to Chile). "The boys in the class will be happy about that." Thankfully my face was already so red from heat that they didn't see how embarrassed I was. But since that first day of class its been hard to make eye contact with anyone in the class. A nice kid took me under his wing when he realized I couldn't figure out how to find the readings online. He's the only one in the class that knows I speak spanish. Lol. The rest probably assume I have no idea whats going. I kind of don't....mostly because I can't figure out why the readings are in 12 different places.

Whats to come? Well, I am looking to work in a hostel. Should be awesome if it works out. I spent a lot of time in hostels in January and February and it seems like ideal work. Also, running low on dollas so I its a good way to occupy my free time and make some extra money. Also, in about I month I'm headed to Buenos Aires for a few days. Very excited. This may be my last trip while abroad because I am doing my best to save up money for this coming summer. And then...like my title Desde Aquí (From here)...who knows where I am headed. With this blog I have decided not to let it pick at me like it has been for the past few weeks. Wherever it is, will be great.

The difference between "tu" and "vos"

In the countries Argentina and Uruguay the people use the "vos" form to address "you" whereas in Chile they use "tu." They also say things like "playsha" instead of "playa" when talking about the beach. Along with y's their double ll's turn into sh's. The difference between the two dialects is one that took me some adjusting to get to when I first arrived in Montevideo, Uruguay on February 1st. That though, is one of the few things that I have had to adjust to on this February trip.

Let us rewind to January: I began my journey in Chiloé, which I previously wrote about. After I parted ways with Tatiana and her family I stayed a couple extra days to spend time with my friend Jeff who had also been studying in Valparaiso. Him and I were in passing, he was headed south to patagonia while I was headed back up north to Valparaíso. Why didn't I go to Patagonia?...great question. It was out of my budget in reality and I decided I would spend more of my resources on 2 countries that I had no idea about in February. Plus the money I saved from not going to Patagonia is allowing me to stand at the northern most edge of Argentina and gaze down at the tremendous power of the worlds largest set of waterfalls. I have been told that from the Argentine side you feel the falls, whereas from the Brazilean side you can only see them. I can't wait to feel one of the few wonders of our world and marvel at God's beautiful creation. Less than a week until then.

Jeff and I split only a few days after meeting up. At this point my plan had been to do something I knew my family and some of my friends would disapprove of: travel alone. I want to assure you all that I believe this was one of my best decisions in the past few months. Not once did I feel unsafe or lost. It is not as scary as it seems, and as someone who knows the country, the costumes, and the language, it was safe. Fun fact: Chile is the safest country in Latin America to travel alone! And I know my Nan is saying, "still....I wish she wouldn't have done that."

But let me break down the following weeks for you. You get in a bus, which takes you to your new hostel, where you meet all these new people and do whatever the heck you all want to do together. Therefore you are never REALLY alone, then you do it all over again. I left Chiloe and went to Puerto Varas where you can see 2 volcanos from across the lake. I stayed there for 3 days getting my reigns on being alone. I met a few Chileans from Santiago and a german girl. That night we made nachos and drank white wine out of a melon. Nommmmm. The night after I met this beautiful couple from Colorado who had been together for 6 years. They had this plan to visit a new country every year if they were able to take the time off work and had the money to do so. How beautiful is that? Keeps you on your toes, right? We went salsa dancing across the street from our hostel where I made a poor attempt to hit on a guy who had served me coffee earlier that day.

Leaving Puerto Varas I headed an hour or so north to Puerto Octay where there isn't really much. I stayed in the country side for 4 days in a beautiful cabin like hostel. It rained the majority of the time I was there so this was my relaxation|adjusting period. I mostly stayed in the hostel reading and watching some TV on my computer. I felt really alienated at this hostel because the people there were mainly older and were from some german speaking country. All I heard for 4 days was German. Its really frustrating to come to a country and learn its native language and then not be able to understand anyone in the hostel where you are staying. But then I sound like a pretentious north american, "If you come to our country you better know the damn language." One great thing about Puerto Octay was that I met an English girl from Wales named Katy. Her and I took a bus ride to Aguas Calientes and did a 2 hour hike where we could look over a valley filled with some lakes. It was such a nice day because I am a feign for hiking and I hadn't done one since I got to Chile. And it is really my only form of exercise, along with dancing to Reggaetone...Haha. Katy and I split up with the plan of meeting up in a week or so in Pichilemu, the surf capital of Chile.

From Puerto Octay I went to Valdivia, home of the Kuntsmann Brewery, one of my favorite drafts in Chile. Here I stayed in a hostel for only 2 nights, and on my second night I met up with a couchsurfer. In Valdivia I had my first experience with Couchsurfing. For those who don't know what it is, it is a community of travelers who allow other travelers to come into their home and sleep on their couch or in an extra room for free. Others are as simple as getting a coffee or drink with someone. It is a great way to learn culture and a little bit more about yourself. It definitely takes you out of your comfort zone at first, but manifests into an unforgettable experience. So I met up with Lydia who I had contacted before getting to Valdivia. I went and got drinks with a few of her friends. She told me there wasn't space for me to stay with her because she was hosting a Canadian couple, but her friend Igor, who I met at the bar offered me a room with he and his mom for the next few days. I do my best to avoid staying with men, and I always contact women. But the Chilean culture is so based in family that I was more than happy to stay with Igor and his mother. She fed me more than I needed and treated me as a part of the family. I stayed in Valdivia 3 days longer than I had planned. I fell in love with my couchsurfing buddies, los Valdivianos. We played UNO and drank pisco. One day Fredy and I went to Niebla to check out the fort resses built long ago because Valdivia was such a key location for the military in the past decades. I probably ate 12 emanadas filled with cheese and crab. yummm. We went to the Kuntsmann Brewery where I sampled, not a few, but all 9 of the types of Kuntsmann brews.

We even went to Igor's cabin one night. A group of 10 or so of us. We had an asado, played Jenga, more UNO, talked chilean, drank, etc. etc. This city was the highlight of my trip. I could have stayed there all of January. There, they were constantly correcting my spanish which really got on my nerves, but I think it was there that my spanish improved so much that when I returned to Viña de Mar my host mom was delighted with how much my castellano had improved. Leaving them was very bitter sweet and they are still trying to convince me to come down before my program starts and Fredy heads to Germany. Unfortunately I don't have the time. But I will return to them before I leave Chile, that I am sure of.

After Valdivia I headed north to Pucon for night where I also couchsurfed. I hadn´t been out dancing since I left Valpo. We went to an awesome reggaeton club and I was pumped to dance. The next day I left early in the morning to catch my bus to Pichilemu, but I left after my host. Its crazy how trusting people can be. Rodrigo showed me how to leave the night before because he had to work really early and wouldn't be there when i got up. You´ve got to have a lot of confidence in a person to do that and I´m glad that I give off that impression.

I met up with Katy in Pichilemu where we decided that being there meant we had no choice but to do the things special to that city. I´ve been doing that in every city I suppose. We ate Paila Marina which is this soup of seafood. Its basically like you are eating the ocean. Me, not being a fan of too much seafood finished it proudly. The next day we decided surfing was priority. The weather was cloudy and we watched the big timers for about a half hour. They were hardcore and the huge waves they could ride for minutes scared me shitle ss. But we gave it a go on the kiddie waves. I couldn´t believe how hard it was. It was easier for me than Katy because I spoke spanish, haha, but the physical strength it takes to paddles against the waves and then pull your whole body up onto the board left my body aching the next day. I actually did stand up...once.

Pichi was my last stop on my January trip, and it was a great one. Afterward I headed back to Valparaiso for 2 days to repack my bags and spend time with my host family and good friends. I had to leave all my warm clothes at my host family's house and take all my summer clothes. Good thing, its been hot as balls here in Uruguay and Argentina. haha.

So the next stage of my vacations: February, Uruguay, Argentina, Susanne, vos, buses....
Traveling alone vs. traveling with someone is like

the difference between "tu" and "vos." In Argentina they use vos instead of tu when addressing a person. This was difficult for me to get used to, at first it sounded like they were saying dos, the number two. And let me throw out an example of how you know someone is from argentina or uruguay versus chile... show sha shamay...vs....yo ya yamay. Those are the pronunciations, it is literally written Yo ya llamé, and means "I already called." Can you understand my problems? Therefore my problems with the accent change are similar to my problems in changing the traveling dynamic. I was not accustomed to relying on anyone to make it somewhere on time, or deciding what we should do etc. Luckily for me, although Susanne and I are B and A personality types, we mesh well. While I had to learn patience because of her habitual tardiness, she had to deal with my obsession of being on time and my impatience when we weren't on time. The both of us were quite afraid of traveling together at first because we had not actually KNOWN each other before meeting up in Montevideo. We had only taken 2 classes together and talked to very little. The both of us are people that can really mesh well with any type of people as long as they are of buena onda. We are chameleons and it doesn't take much for us to get along with people. We are both excited about life and realize the privileges we have to be in another part of the world. We are willing to try new things and meet whoever comes are way. In the end, this it what has mattered.

So begins February. Susanne and I meet in the airport in Montevideo, Uruguay. We find our way to "The Green Hostal" in a part of Montevideo called Cuidad Vieja (Old City) where we unload our stuff and relax. The first person of a long line of great people I had no idea I was going to meet was Hernan. Hernan is a skinny Argentine hippy with hair just above his shoulders. He speaks English perfectly and drinks mate like an Uruguayo. Him and I had a good dynamic, both pretty competitive and both pretty dirty. Haha. He never let me win at ping pong, but he let me get close so I felt like I wasn't too much worse than him. He told me a story about how he was put in prison in the U.S. because his visa had expired. He played ping pong against this huge tattooed guy and won each time until the giant broke the ping pong table in half. When I asked how long he was in there being called a mexican and eating his food so fast that it wouldn't get taken, he said "only 10 days." Like 10 days in prison is ONLY 10 days.

The Green Hostal ended up being the coolest hostal I have ever stayed at. There were maybe 3 gringos that we met in Uruguay, the rest were Uruguayos, Argentinos, y Brazileanos. This was awesome because we were constantly speaking spanish. I got a lot of shit from the Argentinos about my Chilean accent, but it was dished out with love. We spent our time in Montevideo on the beaches, drinking mate with argentines, drinking in the hostal, playing UNO, and at carnival. We were lucky enough to be in Montevideo during there carnival, so we ended up going into the streets with liters of beer because in Uruguay its legal to drink on the streets. We watched a parade of people painted and dressed to the hills playing drums an d whatnot. Us hippies danced our asses off. Montevideo, our very first stop, may have well been the best one. We met Diego Piedrabuena (goodrock), Julia, Sol, Salome, Hernan, Juan, Wally, and many more. After Montevideo and on our way back to Chile we saw 5 or 6 of them again. I love that about traveling, companionship of travelers.


From Montevideo we went to Maldonado, a town close to the principle beach town of Uruguay, Punta del Este. It was definitely beautiful and we spent every day on the beach, but it still wasn't what we got in Montevideo. What it had that Montevideo lacked, was Chileans. A BUNCH of them. I was so excited I could use all my chilenismos and people wouldn't look at me like I was inventing words in Spanish. The Chileans were so much fun, we played UNO! My favorite game EVER. Made me nostalgic about Valdivia. We went out dancing 2 nights. The 2 nights I went out with the Chileans, Susanne stayed in. This was the beginning of her learning the ups and downs of traveling. Its always a little uncomfortable in a new hostel, b ut it so quickly becomes familiar. We had spent every day in Montevideo with our hostel mates and then we had to leave. Susanne felt bummed that we weren't still in Montevideo, or at least we weren't with that group of people. I did too, but it was something I experienced in January so I knew the groove of things, that I had to make myself comfortable in this new place. After only 2 days Susanne was back in the groove of things and we were partying with our hostel mates. Our last night in Punta del Este was an all nighter. We had to catch a bus at 6am so we decided to just stay up all night. A bunch of Uruguayos and some Chilenos and us had a bonfire on the beach. We biked to the beach at 12am, it was very cool. We mad e our way back to the hostel by 5ish so we could pack up our stuff and hop in a cab. We spent 3 hours in a bus and 1 in a boat to get to Buenos Aires.

The start to BA(Buenos Aires) sort of sucked because I left $100 worth of really awesome gifts I bought in Punta del Este in the bus. Unretreivable (is not a word). Susanne and I stayed in a hostel 3 nights in the center of BA. It was full of Americans, Australians and maybe no Spanish speakers. The first night we explored the city with Diego, who we had met in Montevideo. We also went to a really awesome hippy bar where I tried Fernet for the first time. Fernet is known as Argentina's national liquor like Pisco is Chile's. Its flavor is a little licorice like, but unlike Jaggermeister it is thinner. You drink it with Coke, or maybe tonic water...if you're Diego. The following day we went to the cemetery Recoleta, a enormous cemetery filled with the most elaborate mausoleums. It was pretty excellent. That night we went to a tango show and learned a few steps ourselves. We paid for the show, dinner (3 courses), and an open bar. Definitely one of the highlights of BA. After leaving the hostel, and the beautiful Argentino, Martín who worked there ( D: ), we went to stay with Diego for a few days. The craziest thing happened. Diego wanted us to meet his friend Gloria who worked at this book store, so we went to the bookstore and when he introduced me to this woman I realized I had seen her in Santiago about a week and a half before right before my plane left for Montevideo. It was absurd. How could I really have met this woman in a city of 5 million, and then again in a city of a couple million more? What are the odds? Diego and I decided to go hang out with her one night while Susanne stayed in to kick some culture shock. Its really hard at first to adjust to a new language, especially when nothing is constant, like traveling. We rode on his motorcycle about 30 minutes to Gloria's house. I was in heaven. Who gets the opportunity to explore Buenos Aires at night on the back of a motorcycle? It was so unreal. And safe, don't worry folks.

Our next stop: Rosario, where we had not planned to go, but the girls we met in Montevideo told us we had to see Rosario and could stay with them. Diego also accompanied us on this trip, a mini reunion of Montevideo...one week later. Haha. Rosario was super beautiful, its one of the few cities I've been to here in Latin America were I would consider living. Unfortunately during our stay there I was wiped out because I had some sort of a throat virus. Sol took me to the hospital to get medication. In Argentina if you go to the hospital you are seen and giving medication completely free. While you may have to wait for a while, its free. How can a 3rd world country provide people with health care while the world's super power, our grand ol' country the US, cannot? Disgusting. I was given amoxicillan (however you spell that) and some strong Ibuprofen. I spent most of my time in Rosario sleeping either on the beach, or in Julia's house.

Side note: Its taken me 4 weeks to write this blog, so now I'm back in Chile.

Las Cataratas de Iguazú: the town Puerto de Iguazú was the hottest place I think I've ever been in my life. It was also unlike anything I have EVER seen in my life. We spent over 8 hours at the park walking around to the different sets of waterfalls and riding a boat to basically just under them. I will never be able to go to a zoo again. That just blew everything out of the water. It is the largest set of waterfalls in the world and it lies on the borders of Argentina, Brazil, and Paraguay. They are massive. MASSIVE. I really have no words to explain them, they couldn't justify the magnitude of their beauty. If there was any doubt in my mind that God was real before Iguazú, its vanished. I was brought to tears at one point. I walked out onto this platform that was so close to the bottom of one of the falls you couldn't see or hear anything past a certain point. All I saw was white mist and all I could hear was rushing water. I danced around in it and rejoiced that there are such beautiful things in this world full of so many hideous things. I teared up because I knew without a doubt that we are loved. I knew that I had some things in my life that needed to change. I had a spiritual experience to say the least. Please visit them. No, I haven't gone to Machu Pichu, but Iguazú was my Machu Pichu, at least for this trip to Latin America.

We spent our last 2 days in Córdoba. I spent those 2 days in my own head to be honest, reflecting on what I had just seen. The night before we left Hernan and Juan surprise us by showing up at the hostel! We had expected them 2 days earlier but they never showed, and I was certain that they were not going to make it. Apparently their motorcycle broke down 2 or 3 times on their way from BA to Córdoba. We ended up changing our tickets from overnight to the next morning in order to stay and spend time with them. It was worth it, we played UNO, foosball, ping pong, and had life discussions. We left the next morning feeling a little unfulfilled by Córdoba. We definitely didn't have enough time to get to know the city or its character.

24 hours on a bus back to Santiago. The last of our long bus ride, and definitely the most difficult. I wanted to just be in Chile already. I missed the 'po' that the add to the end of every word. I missed being called 'weon' or 'weona.' I really missed Chile. I was also ready to settle down again, start building a routine, start studying. And now here I am, with only 4 months left in my home away from home. 4 months seems so little after being here for over 6. And I know its going to go fast. I am beginning to get to know my new study abroad group. Its been a hard adjustment. I'm always reminiscing about Valparaíso, and constantly comparing my new group to my old group. Its really unfair of me. The next month or so should change dramatically. My plan for this semester was to spend time with Chileans anyway, so if that is what happens, I will have no complaining to do.

The next few months bring some of the following things:
-A return to Valdivia
-Lolapalooza
-Weekends in Valparaíso
-Schoolwork
-A trip to either and/or Buenos Aires and Córdoba
-(hopefully) San Pedro de Atacama
-Buying a ticket home
-Coming home.

Los Momentos

I recently spent 5 days in the place called Quinched, Chiloé. I was lucky enough to have been invited by my friend and fellow coffee maker Tatiana, to spend time at this beautiful cabin owned by her father's fiancee. All of us included were her, her dad, her dad's fiancee Cami, Cami's son, and me. These days consisted of starting and finishing 100 Years of Solitude, kayaking, sunbathing, bbqing, eating, going to a national park, collecting rocks, and learning new chilenismos. No estoy ni ahí. Irse lona. I was told 100 Years of Solitude was super difficult to understand. Being that it was the first book I've read in english in about 5 months, I really think I got it all, compelling me to read it in Spanish, something I had tried and failed at before. Marquéz writes with what Tatiana told me was Magic Realism. He's brilliant.
Entonces, the wind blew so hard at night there that I became accustomed to listening to it like I listen to the rain in Seattle. It accompanied my insomnia like a twin. What I didn't realize was happening was that the wind blew so hard that by the morning it had pushed the tiny cerro the cabin rested on farther into the Gulf of Corcovado leaving us stranded, or more like blessed to be separated from society. If we had any reason to leave, we hopped in a row boat with the Nana, Claudita, and her 3 perros for a short ride back to the mainland. Usually we were in no hurry to leave our little isletta because we knew by noon, if we were patient, the worn out internal magnets within the isletta and the mainland would struggle to reunite alas. And this is how it went. Reading, thinking, reading, not sleeping except for afternoon naps, hot tubbing, planning the rest of my life in my head...there are so many paths it could take.
I wrote an email to one of my best friends and I am going to past it to this entry because it has a lot of significance for my life right now:
"Querida Amor-
I miss you so much. I think about you all the time and I hope life is being kind to you in this moment and the moments to come. Moments- what a concept, huh? In reality its all about moments. I guess I love the concept of a moment because it isn't defined like a second or a few minutes but instead a sequence of events that leads to one specific space in time. Whether that space in time lingers or just flashes its face, it is a moment. Sometimes these moments slip our mind like they were just another part of our daily routine, but others may last us until we are old and decaying side by side in our adjustable beds eating popcorn with yeast flakes, strawberry licorice, and white cheddar popcorn. (our comfort foods) Lately for me its been hard to live in the moment. Actually, as you know, its always been pretty hard for me. Always planning my life 1....or more like 10 steps ahead. I think I have this idea that I can plan moments, which is absurd, but it really prevents me from living in the now. So don't try and plan moments, just do your best to realize they are around ever corner, or maybe they are right in front of you. I have been thinking a lot about my life after Chile, and it scares the living shit out of me. This is why I bring up moments. I feel for the past five years I've had this whole life thing planned out and all of a sudden, I am lost. Sure, applying to college, deciding to study abroad, that was all easy, because that is what society had been telling me to do. But what next? There are too many things I want to do with my life. From the biggest things like applying to the Peacecorps and coming back to live in South America for two years. Or going to graduate school in the mid west, east coast, or even Switzerland. Or falling in love again. Or learning to trust God again and building my life around that. To small things that seem so big at the time, but really or very small in the scheme of things.. Like buying a car as soon as I get home and going into more debt than I already have. Or road tripping on I-90 to look at grad schools and visit friends when I get home. To buying a dog. To deciding whether I will take my Senior Thesis class in the Fall or Spring...etc. etc. etc. I stayed awake until 4:45am thinking about these things last night. Its actually been happening more often than not. How can this keep me awake when I am always multiple steps ahead and sure of my wants? I have been down here for over 4 months now living my dream, loving every moment. Why am I caught up in real life? Because I know I will have to return to it someday, and as much as I want to put in on hold for the next 6 months until I get back, I just can't. My brain doesn't function that way. So this is why I'm lecturing you on moments, because I, myself, need a lecture."
Then I went on to tell her about the great things going on in my life, like traveling around Southern Chile and later to Uruguay and Argentina. Its quite strange how traveling can wear on you. Maybe its because I am not accustomed to it, I didn't do much traveling when I was young. I can be away from a place of comfort for such a short amount of time, yet be sick of the unfamiliarity, the artificial friendship making, the insomnia, the irregularity...am I really complaining about being in Latin America? Traveling around the Southern Hemisphere? Pathetic, right?
So here's where I am. Taking baby steps to trust that it will all work out how it is supposed to, how God has planned it. I'm trying my best not to worry about tomorrow and instead live in the moments of today. I have finally been able to put heartbreak behind me, my wrong decisions in the dust, my personal regret underground, but forgiving myself for hurting people I love is something I still have to work on.
When I told a new friend of mine about this lack of self-forgiveness, he told me I should build a new boat and sink it better than the last one I had sunk. At first I thought it would be stupid just to build a boat to sink it, but in perspective, how many boats do we build in our lives? How many have I had, and sank? So here I am, building this new boat to fill it with my self-judgment and lack of self-forgiveness so that I can sink it to the bottom of the Gulf of Corcovado and start building a ship to store trust, humility, hope and love.

On Christmas

Its a very weird feeling to be alone on Christmas. I could have easily spent time with many different families, but I was hoping to spend time with just one, my host family in Viña del Mar. The family that I have lived with for the past 4 months, mas o menos. Unfortunately for them, death struck their family the morning of Christmas Eve. My host mom's brother died of cancer after a long battle. My plans to spend Christmas Eve night with them were pushed back until Christmas afternoon, and after getting off the phone with my host mom just now, they've been pushed back until later tonight. Its funny how I was just patting myself on the back for being content alone. I actually am very excited to have all this time to myself. I have a lot of reflection to do, a lot of self-reflection to do. At least Christmas is only one day, because I'm not feeling to self-empowered to be alone today. However, I am not the only one feeling lonely today, or missing someone. Which is why I am glad I will later have to opportunity to spend time with people who are also missing someone today.

Tomorrow is a new day, the day after Christmas when everything leading up to it seems like a blur. But today feels sort of like that for me in the sense that my program with SIT seems sort of like a blur. I know this is a common feeling among people in my group. Where did the time go? I remember Orientation, the 28th of August when I didn't know who the 19 other students were or why they had chosen to come to Chile. Now, it doesn't matter why they chose to come, what matters is that they came, and they went... I was the first to get to Chile, and I will be the last to leave. I will see you in 6 and a half months northern Hemisphere.

Another thing popping up for this time of loneliness, God. Shouldn't really be a surprise, but for some reason it is. Its not as if He has been absent, its me who has been absent from Him. Me, who's been living life for me. I'm hoping He will remind me, in my experiences to come, there are more people to live for than myself. Maybe I can focus on them instead of me. There are a few certain things in life that come my way that I am 100% sure about, and there is God looking back at me to remind me that He is in those good things. That those things are not going to be easy because I am so damn stubborn, but that they will be worth it if I do it right. Or at least if I give it a good honest effort. Someday maybe I will figure all this out. Be sure that I want to work for what is good and unselfish. I pray that day comes sooner than later.

I miss a lot of people right now. People I never thought I would/could. I've got a lot of life to live, and I can't wait for it.

super bronzeada

So while you kids in the northwest are suffering from freezing temperatures and preparing for thanksgiving, I am squatting tan. Maybe the tannest I've ever been in my life, i'm excited. But also 10lbs fatter. I can't imagine a meal without bread anymore. How did I ever go a day without eating a baguette or a mini sandwich full of CHEESE and this weird meat paste that comes in tubes. (Turkey is my favorite flavor, not too salty like ham.) I don't even remember life without bread, or pisco. Mostly pisco.

The weather is starting to be perfect every single day down here. Can't wait to be out of school and on the beach. The beach is full by 5pm with families, lovers, stoners, students, even pokemon sometimes (term for gothic(ish) here in Chile)- some have these crazy contacts that even make their eyes like crystal blue or red, or both. The centro is popping with people getting their daily fill of shoes and whatnot. I'm always buying postcards. Or gifts... :) Very excited to travel. Wish I had a few more partners to commit to traveling, but I'm not worried. They will probably pop up last minute and I will spend two months bussing around the southern cone. YAY. Don't start school until March! another yayy. Maybe I am just screwing off down here. But so far its been the best 3 months of my life. And when will I get this opportunity again? Hopefully when I marry a latin man and have beautiful brown babies. lol. Jk.

I have changed my independent study project to access to higher education for poor sectors of society here in Chile. I always dog on the states for being imperialistic and unjust to the poor, but its truly worse other places. For example, in Chile 13.something% of students in college are covered under state financial aid. Compared to the US, over 50% are covered. If I had been born in Chile, I couldn't go to college. I doubt if I had children in Chile if they could even go to college. Maybe in 10 or 20 years Chile will be there though. By 2018, its going to be considered a developed country. So chupalo everyone that thought I was going to some barbaric 3rd world country without power or clean water. JAja. Sorry, that was harsh. But don't worry, I know to be safe, you don't gotta tell me EVERY time I talk to you. I usually make some pretty good decisions. I'm here, right?

I'm jealous that my friends are making other friends, and when I get back to the states, I'm going to wonder who all these people are who are replacing me and commandeering my friends. ¿cachai? But i suppose we all feel that way. When I get back to ups, people are either going to think i'm a freshman (very likely) or I am a transfer. A year is a long time. Half of the school will be new. I'm very glad about that actually. UPS was quickly getting too small for me, never saw new faces or made new friends because everyone was pretty set with their group. I was/am too, but i love meeting new people.

Best thing about this place to be honest. People. I have learned so much from conversations. It really isn't anything you can read in books. I don't think I have every laughed with anyone as much as I have with Mac and Abby. Never have I thought I could tell someone anything without judgement until miss Abby, either. I don't think I've ever opened up to someone so quickly like I did with Isabella. I never knew Brahm and I would become so close to where we talk about fascinating yet often inappropriate personal thoughts. Or that we could get to a point of comfort where we call each other after what seems like a landmark in our lives. Never expected to find an adventurer like Kirsty who does a great job ripping me out of my hard lazy shell. Never had I gained someone like Jeff who could be a best friend in my home state and have him transfer schools before we got that opportunity. Nor did I think I would have such a heartbreaking discussion about a chileno's love who he yearns to return to him. I sure don't expect to fall in love here and go through the heartache he has. If I haven't learned my own lesson, maybe he taught me something new. I didn't expect to find a third, maybe even fourth, place to call home. And I don't expect my next homestay to be a fourth, or fifth, home either. I'm not expecting to meet people like these on the road to argentina, patagonia, or uruguay either, but I bet I will. So maybe my good friends back home are meeting people that have really brightened their lives like I have, and when I put it in that perspective, I'm not jealous, I'm ecstatic. Just don't forget about me. ;)

Have you ever slept on your own shoulder because you feel like you don't have anyone else's to sleep on? I do that every bus ride. But it feels so metaphoric sometimes. After having such a comfortable shoulder for so long, its scary. Its like when you're dreaming about falling and jerk awake and then get mad at yourself for getting scared and waking up. Whenever I miss that old shoulder I get mad at myself for expecting, or even hoping, that it is there. On the way back from our stays in the indigenous villages, Bram asked us if we had ever apologized to someone we had wronged in the past. Like after a good amount of time of wronging them. I responded with, "Have you ever felt like your apology was worthless? Not because someone told you that, but because maybe you aren't really sure if you mean it anymore? Maybe you apologized so much that it felt practiced and uniformed at this point? And when the day comes to apologize again, let say 30 years down the road, will it even be accepted? Will you actually mean it?" I hope so.

Diana, Isabella, and I had an apology session in the first month of living here. We all went around the circle saying sorry for things we had felt in the past, and even maybe feel now. For Diana, it was apologizing for hating straight people and their ignorance to the fear and pain they inflict on homosexuals daily. For Isa, it was her hate for white people and their elite status everywhere. Their lack of persecution in their lives and their lack of repentance. And for me, I apologized for hating rich people. In particular educated rich kids. I apologized for putting myself on a higher branch than them because, "I have experience life" and they don't know the difference between a credit and debit card. They claim to be liberal, open minded and fighting for justice, but yet drive audis and go to big concerts on the weekends and stay in fancy hotels eating at 4 star restaurants. I realized the only way to change these things is to know people. Like actually know them. Have apology sessions, share your life problems with people that my need enlightenment, but above all, stop judging people and remember that we are all human. God doesn't separate us rich and poor, white, black, latino etc., gay or straight, right or wrong, He loves. We're not God, and we wont come close, but its worth a try if we're going to gain so much. We can all say what each other lacks and needs to fix about themselves, or we can focus on ourselves and our faults. And we can try to make things a little bit more tolerable on this decaying planet. Quite and enlightening day for me. Sorry if that was sort of grim. (the whole decaying planet thing).

Signing off,

Senorita Picky

The Great Belén Wall

Spending 4 days, just 4 days, with an indigenous family in the altiplano of the Andes Mountains, with Bolivia right next door, brought me to a lot of realizations. Waking up and going to sleep with the sun is really something. Living simple and dirty is what I crave. To live without a bunch of shit like the past or a huge bag of unnecessary clothes is so liberating. I'm living in the now. Please join me. However, it was also a slightly painful experience. It hurts to see how colonization, catholicism, and chilenization has destroyed an entire indigenous culture. Its shameful, unexceptable.

Realizations:

1. I actually do miss the States. I resisted the feeling until now. I mean, not the states, but people. My family, my friends from home, my friends from school, my dogs. They made us believe that culture shock would set in earlier and we would feel all lonely and stuff much earlier in the process, but just now has this sunk in for me. I don't know if it was buying gifts for people, talking about my family, or sharing personal stories with the girls (yes, girls, can you believe that, john?) in my group that I grew very close to. Probably all of the above.

Do you ever put yourself through torture on facebook just looking through people's photo albums who you unbearably want to say something important to? I don't know why I do this. Its usually with people who have hurt me in some way but I am just too much of a wimp to say anything or i think I'm out of line. Which I probably am, I usually am. This is bad for me. I've even gone the distance of deleting people as my friends because I don't want to put myself through the agony. Damn them when their profile isn't private... lol.

At times, I desperately wish I wasn't missing out on whats going on up there where you all are. I wish I could go to garden level (men's acapella group) shows at ups. I wish I could be in my house to get to know my family's new kitten, Tucker. I wish I could be in Tacoma to trash talk Dellano's coffee and teach people about real coffee and how they should go to cafe Dei instead of Metronome. I wish I was there to make coffee and drink good coffee. I wish I was there to support Jessie during a difficult time, one that I have had a taste of. I wish I was there to laugh with John and make completely politcally incorrect jokes about how gay gideon is for not eating meat, among other things. I wish I could argue with Joe Dylan and Alex about how purps was blue all along, never purple. Oh, and very badly, I wish I was around for no shave-november, I love beards so much.

I know there is a lot to be greatful for experiencing down here, but I am very glad I realize now that I truly do miss home. I miss you guys. :)

2. This program is really unorganized and not what I thought it was. Coming here I expected this to be my hard semester and the next to be my easy one. WRONGO. opposite. I thought this program was one to explore possibilities, opinions, rights and wrongs, but I feel like to be successful, I have to give them what they want to hear. Like high school. yay. not. I am disappointed. I love the program directors a lot, so I guess I just don't know what it is. Maybe inconsistency?

3. I am in love with Valparaíso and Viña. No way I could have done my Independent Study Project anywhere else.

ISP brings up the next stage of my program. One I am slightly nervous about, but also very excited. I am studying the access to resources for niños in this community outside of Viña called El Salto. Specifically, education. How many kids go to college? How does the state help pay? All those whistles and crannies. I start my research today. Yay.

Usually I feel like no one reads this, and for that reason, I never feel like its necessary to write it. Thats why my blogs are always too big and all over the place. But my good buddy Mac told me he reads my blog, and he's not even a follower. Makes me feel special. But then he told me he expected me to be a schizo chica and that he was right. lol. sad. Thanks Mac.

And I'm spent.

Contenta

I can honestly say I am so happy. I have continuously been thinking that since I got here. I feel like I am finally doing something right, important, relevant, and worthwhile.

It was really hard for me to feel this way at UPS. Especially after I took African Politics in the Fall of my sophomore year. It r

uined me. Destroyed me. I felt so helpless to the catastrophes and the injustices that take place on our planet. Especially things that could be prevented. But today, I feel relevant. I feel like I can play a small part in changing this disastrous world. Maybe not yet, but soon.

I really can't complain about much. Other than these unbearable shin splints. Gross, and the fact that some man tried to show me his genitals y

esterday. Still a little bit scarred from that. He just thought it would be a good idea to give me a show while he walked past me. EWWW.

I am slightly worried Christmas is going to be somewhat unbearable. My friend just had his 21st birthday here, and he had a really difficult time. I hope its not like that on Christmas for me, but I expect it to be.

Recently, tons has happened. I went to a festival called Mil Tambores which means a thousand drummers. It reminded me of the Fremont fair in Seattle where everyone paints their bodies and rides bikes in the nude. At Mil Tambores there were naked people painted everywhere. And tons of drummers and dancing and drinking in the streets in the middle of the

day into the night. CRAYZAY.

Also, last weekend I went to Santiago. I only stayed for a day bec

ause two of my friends birthdays the following day. I'm going to be honest, I hated Santiago. Its not Viña del Mar or Valp

araíso; I wasn't in Kansas anymore. There were 10X as many people, it smelt worse, and I was in a constant state of stress; worrying about my bag, my

blonde hair, by tiny build, getting lost, getting stolen. All of it. Tuve mucho estrés...I am sure once I settle in there, it wont feel so overwhelming, but it definitely doesn't have the relaxing safe feel of Viña. :(

¡Today I'm going to Pilates! Yayyyyy, exercise. Gotta work off all that bread and beer I've been taking in. Surprisingly, my pants still fit. Woohoo.

I ran today, first time in...more than six months. It was only like a half of a mile...maybe less. I wish i knew the metric system, maybe it would sound longer. haha. I also went to this Pilates class with Julia and had an amazing time. Probably because your first time is free...I hate paying for stuff. Such a cheap skate. I feel good though, full of energy. Still struggling to do my homework though.

So this is the plan: this is my last week of actual classes, already, right? Time flies. But that only means that its halfway through. Next thursday, our excursions start. I decided to go to the north to Iquique y Arica. Up there, it is the driest place on earth, and one of the best places for star gazing. In a way I wish I could look up at the stars and believe you all are looking at the same stars, but I know that there are different constellations down here than up there. I'll get to see the Valle de Luna and hopefully some flamingos. So we have two weeks of just cultural immersion, not homework, just journaling. Should be awesome. Whats even more awesome is that I wont be spending money, except on souvenirs and stuff. I wont be going out or anything..yay!!! two weeks of saving money. gotta love it. Ok. Enough for now. Chao lovas ;)

P.S. No idea why the first part is a link. haha