Sicky Picky

The first time I met my host brother Panchi he asked me what types of food I liked. I told him I wasn't picky, however I hadn't the slightest clue how to say that in spanish. I told him I liked a lot of different foods and I would eat almost anything someone gave me. He got a the biggest kick out of the word picky. Since I moved in he's called me picky, just as a nickname. I came down with Tonsillitis on Sunday and have been in my house, mostly room, since. So now, he calls me sicky picky. At first he told me I just had a terrible "caña" which means hang over in chilenismo. Haha. Little did he know.... ("I've written books on 'little did he know'....I've taught classes on 'little did he know'...anybody know my movie reference?) Anyway, I'm on day 4 of doing NOTHING and sitting in my bedroom. Day 1 and 2 were fine in the sense that I slept because I was so sick. But yesterday and today I am better and am bored out of my mind. There literally is only so much spanish grammar I can do. I think I've been on facebook for at least 72 hours. My activity level is pathetically off the roof. Its in the clouds.

So here I am. Sick. And Picky. I want us to focus on picky. I have had so much time to think in the past couple days and have realized I am picky. I mean so are you. We all have our right to be picky. My problem is my pickiness wont allow me to make serious decisions. And when I do, my decisions involve me, and only me. For me it is a defense mechanism. I have been through years of dependency both unhealthy and healthy, and I find comfort in dependency on myself. I find it okay to let myself down, but I find it unacceptable for others to let me down. Good thing God is around when I realize I can't depend on myself, and He can't let me down. I have this same view about others as well. I have made some serious mistakes and don't want to let others down, but if they let themselves down, thats their fault, their mistake, their problem. I'm not going to be the one to let you down, but I'm also not going to be the one to let you in. You're not going to be the one I let in. The one I always let in, I always let down. And anyone else who wants to be let in, is either already let down, or I fear they'll let me down like I've let the one down. maybe a little convoluted with my thoughts but thats it. Sorry if I let you down by not letting you in. But know, I might throw you down if I let you in. And I know it doesn't feel good. I've seen the marks. I've had a lot of people ask me what the deal is, but when I'm put on the spot I have many other reasons. These are them. Eat it up. I'm sorry. Its reality. And maybe it doesn't come down to picky, maybe it comes down to something deeper.

Isa, an outstanding young woman in my group here in Chile, once said that it takes half as much time apart to get over someone you were in love with/together with. I had never heard that, but apparently its commonly used. I think it might be right. I pray that its right. Because I need to fix this whole picky/boarded up old lady I have become. I need to realize reality. Right now. Not what could have been, or what could be. I'm stuck in the in between of those two which isn't actually the right now. Its something else, something weird. I think a year here will do it for me. I don't need my mind made up, I just need it moved on.