super bronzeada

So while you kids in the northwest are suffering from freezing temperatures and preparing for thanksgiving, I am squatting tan. Maybe the tannest I've ever been in my life, i'm excited. But also 10lbs fatter. I can't imagine a meal without bread anymore. How did I ever go a day without eating a baguette or a mini sandwich full of CHEESE and this weird meat paste that comes in tubes. (Turkey is my favorite flavor, not too salty like ham.) I don't even remember life without bread, or pisco. Mostly pisco.

The weather is starting to be perfect every single day down here. Can't wait to be out of school and on the beach. The beach is full by 5pm with families, lovers, stoners, students, even pokemon sometimes (term for gothic(ish) here in Chile)- some have these crazy contacts that even make their eyes like crystal blue or red, or both. The centro is popping with people getting their daily fill of shoes and whatnot. I'm always buying postcards. Or gifts... :) Very excited to travel. Wish I had a few more partners to commit to traveling, but I'm not worried. They will probably pop up last minute and I will spend two months bussing around the southern cone. YAY. Don't start school until March! another yayy. Maybe I am just screwing off down here. But so far its been the best 3 months of my life. And when will I get this opportunity again? Hopefully when I marry a latin man and have beautiful brown babies. lol. Jk.

I have changed my independent study project to access to higher education for poor sectors of society here in Chile. I always dog on the states for being imperialistic and unjust to the poor, but its truly worse other places. For example, in Chile 13.something% of students in college are covered under state financial aid. Compared to the US, over 50% are covered. If I had been born in Chile, I couldn't go to college. I doubt if I had children in Chile if they could even go to college. Maybe in 10 or 20 years Chile will be there though. By 2018, its going to be considered a developed country. So chupalo everyone that thought I was going to some barbaric 3rd world country without power or clean water. JAja. Sorry, that was harsh. But don't worry, I know to be safe, you don't gotta tell me EVERY time I talk to you. I usually make some pretty good decisions. I'm here, right?

I'm jealous that my friends are making other friends, and when I get back to the states, I'm going to wonder who all these people are who are replacing me and commandeering my friends. ¿cachai? But i suppose we all feel that way. When I get back to ups, people are either going to think i'm a freshman (very likely) or I am a transfer. A year is a long time. Half of the school will be new. I'm very glad about that actually. UPS was quickly getting too small for me, never saw new faces or made new friends because everyone was pretty set with their group. I was/am too, but i love meeting new people.

Best thing about this place to be honest. People. I have learned so much from conversations. It really isn't anything you can read in books. I don't think I have every laughed with anyone as much as I have with Mac and Abby. Never have I thought I could tell someone anything without judgement until miss Abby, either. I don't think I've ever opened up to someone so quickly like I did with Isabella. I never knew Brahm and I would become so close to where we talk about fascinating yet often inappropriate personal thoughts. Or that we could get to a point of comfort where we call each other after what seems like a landmark in our lives. Never expected to find an adventurer like Kirsty who does a great job ripping me out of my hard lazy shell. Never had I gained someone like Jeff who could be a best friend in my home state and have him transfer schools before we got that opportunity. Nor did I think I would have such a heartbreaking discussion about a chileno's love who he yearns to return to him. I sure don't expect to fall in love here and go through the heartache he has. If I haven't learned my own lesson, maybe he taught me something new. I didn't expect to find a third, maybe even fourth, place to call home. And I don't expect my next homestay to be a fourth, or fifth, home either. I'm not expecting to meet people like these on the road to argentina, patagonia, or uruguay either, but I bet I will. So maybe my good friends back home are meeting people that have really brightened their lives like I have, and when I put it in that perspective, I'm not jealous, I'm ecstatic. Just don't forget about me. ;)

Have you ever slept on your own shoulder because you feel like you don't have anyone else's to sleep on? I do that every bus ride. But it feels so metaphoric sometimes. After having such a comfortable shoulder for so long, its scary. Its like when you're dreaming about falling and jerk awake and then get mad at yourself for getting scared and waking up. Whenever I miss that old shoulder I get mad at myself for expecting, or even hoping, that it is there. On the way back from our stays in the indigenous villages, Bram asked us if we had ever apologized to someone we had wronged in the past. Like after a good amount of time of wronging them. I responded with, "Have you ever felt like your apology was worthless? Not because someone told you that, but because maybe you aren't really sure if you mean it anymore? Maybe you apologized so much that it felt practiced and uniformed at this point? And when the day comes to apologize again, let say 30 years down the road, will it even be accepted? Will you actually mean it?" I hope so.

Diana, Isabella, and I had an apology session in the first month of living here. We all went around the circle saying sorry for things we had felt in the past, and even maybe feel now. For Diana, it was apologizing for hating straight people and their ignorance to the fear and pain they inflict on homosexuals daily. For Isa, it was her hate for white people and their elite status everywhere. Their lack of persecution in their lives and their lack of repentance. And for me, I apologized for hating rich people. In particular educated rich kids. I apologized for putting myself on a higher branch than them because, "I have experience life" and they don't know the difference between a credit and debit card. They claim to be liberal, open minded and fighting for justice, but yet drive audis and go to big concerts on the weekends and stay in fancy hotels eating at 4 star restaurants. I realized the only way to change these things is to know people. Like actually know them. Have apology sessions, share your life problems with people that my need enlightenment, but above all, stop judging people and remember that we are all human. God doesn't separate us rich and poor, white, black, latino etc., gay or straight, right or wrong, He loves. We're not God, and we wont come close, but its worth a try if we're going to gain so much. We can all say what each other lacks and needs to fix about themselves, or we can focus on ourselves and our faults. And we can try to make things a little bit more tolerable on this decaying planet. Quite and enlightening day for me. Sorry if that was sort of grim. (the whole decaying planet thing).

Signing off,

Senorita Picky

The Great Belén Wall

Spending 4 days, just 4 days, with an indigenous family in the altiplano of the Andes Mountains, with Bolivia right next door, brought me to a lot of realizations. Waking up and going to sleep with the sun is really something. Living simple and dirty is what I crave. To live without a bunch of shit like the past or a huge bag of unnecessary clothes is so liberating. I'm living in the now. Please join me. However, it was also a slightly painful experience. It hurts to see how colonization, catholicism, and chilenization has destroyed an entire indigenous culture. Its shameful, unexceptable.

Realizations:

1. I actually do miss the States. I resisted the feeling until now. I mean, not the states, but people. My family, my friends from home, my friends from school, my dogs. They made us believe that culture shock would set in earlier and we would feel all lonely and stuff much earlier in the process, but just now has this sunk in for me. I don't know if it was buying gifts for people, talking about my family, or sharing personal stories with the girls (yes, girls, can you believe that, john?) in my group that I grew very close to. Probably all of the above.

Do you ever put yourself through torture on facebook just looking through people's photo albums who you unbearably want to say something important to? I don't know why I do this. Its usually with people who have hurt me in some way but I am just too much of a wimp to say anything or i think I'm out of line. Which I probably am, I usually am. This is bad for me. I've even gone the distance of deleting people as my friends because I don't want to put myself through the agony. Damn them when their profile isn't private... lol.

At times, I desperately wish I wasn't missing out on whats going on up there where you all are. I wish I could go to garden level (men's acapella group) shows at ups. I wish I could be in my house to get to know my family's new kitten, Tucker. I wish I could be in Tacoma to trash talk Dellano's coffee and teach people about real coffee and how they should go to cafe Dei instead of Metronome. I wish I was there to make coffee and drink good coffee. I wish I was there to support Jessie during a difficult time, one that I have had a taste of. I wish I was there to laugh with John and make completely politcally incorrect jokes about how gay gideon is for not eating meat, among other things. I wish I could argue with Joe Dylan and Alex about how purps was blue all along, never purple. Oh, and very badly, I wish I was around for no shave-november, I love beards so much.

I know there is a lot to be greatful for experiencing down here, but I am very glad I realize now that I truly do miss home. I miss you guys. :)

2. This program is really unorganized and not what I thought it was. Coming here I expected this to be my hard semester and the next to be my easy one. WRONGO. opposite. I thought this program was one to explore possibilities, opinions, rights and wrongs, but I feel like to be successful, I have to give them what they want to hear. Like high school. yay. not. I am disappointed. I love the program directors a lot, so I guess I just don't know what it is. Maybe inconsistency?

3. I am in love with Valparaíso and Viña. No way I could have done my Independent Study Project anywhere else.

ISP brings up the next stage of my program. One I am slightly nervous about, but also very excited. I am studying the access to resources for niños in this community outside of Viña called El Salto. Specifically, education. How many kids go to college? How does the state help pay? All those whistles and crannies. I start my research today. Yay.

Usually I feel like no one reads this, and for that reason, I never feel like its necessary to write it. Thats why my blogs are always too big and all over the place. But my good buddy Mac told me he reads my blog, and he's not even a follower. Makes me feel special. But then he told me he expected me to be a schizo chica and that he was right. lol. sad. Thanks Mac.

And I'm spent.